Conversations with the Dread Pirate...Sparky

Sparks and I have weird conversations. My mum calls it arguing, although we prefer to classify it as "banter". But always, always weird. He especially enjoys talking about things that are wrong (as in incorrect) or just plain nonsense, because there's nothing he loves more than to keep saying, "But it COULD be!" while I screech down the phone at him, "NO IT COULDN'T!"

In the case of Friday night, in the middle of a conversation about Pirates, he hit upon the "brainwave" that there were no laws at sea, and so you could do whatever you wanted, or at least just shift into another country's waters and get off scot free. He continued in this vein for sometime, despite my trying to convince him that yes, there WERE laws at sea and why did he think pirates got hanged for their crimes then, and attempting to explain about extradition and such things, and then there was a thoughtful pause on his end. At last, he has seen sense, I think. Then...


Sparks: Hey sis, how'd you like to join a pirate crew?
Me: *groan*
Sparks: We'd need a cook.
Me: You want ME to be the cook?
Sparks: Well, we probably wouldn't be able to have baked beans EVERY night, but...
Me: Why can't I be first mate? (Yes, pride wins over sense. Shush. Cook, honestly...)
Sparks: You'd mutiny against me! That's what the first mate does.
Me: No, it isn't.
Sparks: It is. In all the stories...
Me: What, all two of them? No, there's no way you've even heard of the Bounty, so it's JUST Pirates you're talking about, isn't it?
Sparks: NO! Look, uh...Okay, I'M the captain and you'll be the cook if I tell you to be the cook!
Me: I will not. Make me first mate.
Sparks: No! Wait, actually, okay. I've just remembered you're the only one old enough to buy rum.
Me: Hah!
Sparks: But I'M the captain!
Me: Fine.
Sparks: Okay, so we still need a cook. Actually, two cooks for me. And a navigator. Dave'll do, he got an A in Geography.
Me: *facepalm*
Sparks: And some general muscle. And some deck swabs!
Me: You want to get people you don't like to be the deck swabs.
Sparks: How do I convince people that I DON'T like to be deck swabs?
Me: You don't TELL them they're going to be the deck swabs.
Sparks: Eggcellent. Now, what else do we need?
Me: Er, a ship?
Sparks. Ah. Yeah. Well, Steve did well in Graph Comm. He can design us one!
Me: Right. So we still won't have a ship...
Sparks: No. Much more better. We will have a drawing of a ship.
Me: Right.
Sparks: Look, the ship is a minor detail. Onto more important things. I'll need a parrot. Every pirate ship needs a parrot.
Me: Do we know anyone with a parrot?
Sparks: I think Steve has a cockatiel...And we'll need a plank.
Me: I think that comes with the ship.
Sparks: You're right. Okay, what about...actually, are you sure you want to join this crew? You know you won't be able to spend an hour getting ready in the morning - we won't have a shower.
Me: At the moment we don't have a ship, so I'm not too worried.
Sparks: Shut it, you. Okay, we'll need...musicians? We'll need some kind of entertainment. Wait, what do pirates do to entertain themselves?
Me: *willing self not to give the obvious fanfic-influenced answer* Um. They play dice. Liar's Dice.
Sparks: I don't know how to play that, but okay. You can teach us. But what do we wager? We won't have years of service.
Me: I guess we'll have to play Snap until we find some treasure.
Sparks: I'll get a deck of cards. Okay, and I'll need a name!
Me: What's wrong with Captain Sparky?
Sparks: If you call me Captain Sparky in front of my crew, you'll walk the plank.
Me: You could go with your middle names. Then you can be Captain Davey John.
Sparks: CAPTAIN DJ!
Me:...Or that.
Sparks: The fearsome Captain DJ, towering over his deck swabs, surveying the seas...
Me: His almighty cockatiel on his shoulder.